RAW LEMON SWISS ROLL

Cake roll happens because of promises made to sunny people on sunny days; and because the shape of things to come is looking very swirly to say the least; but also because if swirly things (or stomach ache, or car crashes, and car-crash shaped cake) ever come your way, you've got to be ready and turn them around as best as you can; and it may take some serious multi-tasking, and you may have to improvise or momentarily hide piles and piles of stuff in your wardrobe or interrupt your Preacher episode half way through and your NutriBullet will perhaps struggle; but if you try and you're lucky enough, you may end up staring in excitement at delicious citrusy creamy things, and these delicious citrusy creamy things may well make you sunny inside a little.

OREO CRUMB FUDGE

It's not for me to know when winter and its green wool jumper will grant us earthlings a half-time break; or when I'll find the words again, and sing the songs I should have sung; or when the scene will light up and I'll notice forgiveness at the side of the stage; but, strange to say, I'll be here waiting, with my comrades by my side; and I've made some comforting Oreo crumb fudge for us to nibble on, and put hazelnuts in it especially.

FIFTEENS - NORTHERN IRISH FRIDGE CAKE

Like in my head the winter wind carries me along riversides and across bridges and lifts me up, in-between the tall shiny buildings of the City and I can almost touch them, and what’s left of good-Bye’s summons elusive ghosts on the icy streets, and bills and books and papers turn into trees and tombstones and a hill looking down on a Dear Green Place; in this same way, symphonies from the North fill rooms with warmth and tea-time treats for travel companions; and blue maps of far-away islands on a scaredy child’s bedroom wall make space for grown-up plans, and fluffy cakes; and quiet nights in this country, and another, let the sunrise in and salute it with hearty crêpes and cream and fruit for breakfast.

If I wake up one day and will have desisted living by dreams and day-dreams and songs and stories, I’ll give myself a slap on the wrist, and I would be crazy not to; and as for this town of smoke and trouble – I’m already there; and the most delicious marshmallowy treats is what I’ll give, this time, in return for so much.

GOLDEN OREO BANANA PUDDING

There should be a master Process Document in place, which states that Oreo desserts like this are a skeleton key to escape mazes of rainy days, sad songs in loop, Dave-lessness, Dom-lessness, and old habits (the bad ones).

It’s been covered at length already that Oreos are the food of gods; they constitute a perfectly acceptable dinner party gift (if accompanied by banana bread beer) and there’s absolutely no evidence to date that they will not make you part-divine. As for the golden side of it, I woke up one morning knowing that opulence is not for me (I’m a dolphin after all); but you’ve got to be grateful for the yearly availability of special edition biscuits, even when this means dealing more or less maturely with this worrying tendency of theirs to go all sold-out in half a second (like I even give a duck now, because did you know, Morrisons: CANADA). And when a five-storey office space makes it so difficult to be a freegan and feast to your heart’s content on beetroot crisps, lemon sweets and over-ripe fruit, the addition of bananas is simply a legal requirement.

It’s soon to be disclosed whether I shall be the chosen that gets to write a Document so crucial for the whole of humanity (or perhaps just me. If so, may I please add: a slot in the diary of a busy working professional and part-time choir singer. Vegan banana cake. Art galleries. Animation tutorials. Vegan banana cake in art galleries after animation tutorials. Blue eyes, and the fine art of making peace with them), and in the meantime, I’m reminded that sunny days and disco music and shiny happy people don’t necessarily make for good stories, and most definitely don’t turn Oreos into gold.

CARROT CAKE

For Dom,

Happy Birthday

STRAWBERRIES & CREAM CHEESECAKE

I really should start writing an autobiographical pocket novel called ‘The unbearable loneliness of a being on bank holiday weekends’ or ‘Izzy’s day out’ or ‘I should have stayed at home’ and the story would go like this. One weekend someone doesn’t have time in their life for vegan cake, and another obviously less antisocial individual escapes to mainland Europe for coffee leaving you all alone staring at the ceiling of your tiny tiny studio flat in a part of town that’s suddenly turned into something too trendy for your run-away-from-home self to hang out unaccompanied by a freelance jewellery designer husband and a toddler. But not all is lost. Never mind washing your hair (it adds to the charm), you jump on a train to dear Peckham, where people’s main concern appears to be the price of plantains and you can wander around middle Eastern bargain stores that resemble Narnia and art galleries and take photos of songbirds in alleys and sit in cafés sipping rhubarb tea and writing postcards to worried parents who now label you as bohemian, then go back home with a new-found quite concerning feeling of belonging, a bag of blackcurrant sweets and twelve hundred grams of strawberries for your (almost) raw vegan cheesecake because as it turns out, you are one of those people who do have time in their life for vegan cake and I fail at seeing anything wrong with that.

The end.

OREO CHEESECAKE

Sometimes you’re a walking seedbed of germs for a week and sometimes living by books and living by hope makes you a target for gunfire. But then you have badass Italian mates that have your back and you’re reminded it has to be business as usual. So go buy five million packs of Oreos (Oreos are also always there for you. I love you Oreos), get your apron out and apologise to fat-free cakes and low-calorie muffins. Make vegan Oreo cheesecake and there you go, you’re ready to face life again.

BISCOFF TIRAMISÙ

Feeding the Dalston homeless with slabs of vegan tiramisù since 2015. Hah

RAW BLUEBERRY TARTLETS

After making the prettiest cake ever, I found myself overloaded with blueberries. This was because my plan B after miserably failing at acquiring edible flowers (Turnips @ Borough Market, I forgive but not forget. Or maybe not even forgive), which you could also call “running around M&S during my lunch break, desperately looking for a pretty-enough alternative to edible flowers to use on a cake I am meant to make in less than 3 hours”, was decorating with more blueberries and other berries. Luckily, boyfriends saved the day and a plan B was never needed, so I was quite ridiculously happy to have not only a successful cake but also a lifetime supply of tasty berries. Some of them had already been shovelled into my mouth and digested and everything, the rest feature in these delicious vegan, raw and gluten-free tartlets that, just so you know, have been partly shovelled into my mouth too and are in the process of being digested. Too much information? Omonomnomnom

RAW SACHERTORTE

You may have noticed that I’ve been completely ignoring Muffin Sunday for two entire weeks. I know I’m being very ungrateful towards muffins, but the truth is, I have two very embraceable reasons for this lack of muffin-making. The first is, I got myself a blender! Haha. Sorry. But I did. So I had to make something using it this week. Period. The second is, this is Sachertorte! The most delicious cake on the face of the earth, in my very valuable opinion. We used to get this from the bakery every year for my dad’s birthday and I think it’s been at least two or three years since the last time I was home for one (sadness creeping in). How can you not miss this chocolaty and jammy moist deliciousness. Anyway, I thought, it’s (British) Father’s Day today so it makes a bit of sense to make Sachertorte. It’s like I’m at home for my dad’s birthday, except I’m not at home and it’s not my dad’s birthday. Ha. Anyway, let me get to the blender part. As I bought myself a blender (I need to stop this, I know), I can now grind almonds and cashews and all sorts of stuff, which makes it so much easier to make raw desserts. So I thought I’d make my own version of Sacher: vegan, gluten-free and 100% raw. And also kind of 100% blended. I don’t want to give too much away but I had a quarter of this cake in one go whilst taking pictures of it, it’s that good (camera covered in chocolate). I’m considering to start selling it under the label “I can’t believe it’s not Sacher”. I’ll let you know how it goes.